You used to think I was brilliant.
My eyes are my greatest inheritance.
I am happy to share them with my brother.
Growing up I was always bothered by the way that my pupils nearly blended right into my chocolaty iris’.
But not anymore.
Now when I pass a mirror and catch a glimpse of my eyes,
I am stunned.
I see an old familiarity that is unmatched, authentic.
Warm, yet chilling.
An old familiar friend, locked somewhere behind that shady hue.
“The greatest gifts are the ones we share” my mother always says.
So yes, my eyes are my greatest inheritance.
Through them my grandmother sees her son, I see my father,
and I like to think that the piece of him trapped within my heart gets a chance to peer out into the world that his soul made a little brighter.
My mother always told me “If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all”. Lately I’ve been saying less and less.
I’ve never been one to shake off a conversation, or sit on the sidelines quietly and politely, waiting for an appropriate moment to chime in with a “hmm” or “hah” in agreement. I’ve always been a sharp-tonged, loud mouth that jumps into even the most aimless conversation with the gusto of a die-hard sports fan, fists waving and whole body painted with “Go Team!”
This recent change is not only boring, but draining.
I don’t know what happened, but peer interaction suddenly feels like a chore that I anxiously approach and nervously complete. It might be that a few key members of my social circle that not only keep me sane, but also keep me entertained, have departed for their own adventures. Or it might be that I am bored. I think it is a mix. See, I like to keep my schedule more packed then a Prius trying to move all of Kim Kardashians closet. But lately have been listless. Much like a golden retriever puppy, I require oodles of social interaction. No, I won’t pee on your newly carpeted living room if you leave me unattended, but I very well may take up knitting or become a vegan.
It feels nice to rant, but I try not to be one to complain without a plan to improve my circumstances, so lest I digress.
I have attempted to combat this terminal case of boredom by doing some of the following things:
1) Getting more involved in my community. This has worked great! There is so much to learn from listening to elders, and so much to learn from watching children! It’s easy to feel like you are going somewhere in life when you’re helping others find their way down this crowded and crazy path.
2) Getting a library card. Reading the graceful words of the late Maya Angelou that have been knitted together, fearfully and wonderfully in her gifted mind, make me feel challenged, but also changed. And as Arthur said “Having fun isn’t hard, when you’ve got a library card.”
3)I bought a ukulele. OKAY. Leave me alone to be a teen cliché.
4) I applied at a few places for a new job. They seem promising. Lets pray they work out.
Which brings me to…
5) I’ve started attending church more regularly. It’s like school, but life is the test (dude, I hope I don’t fail it)
and 6) I’m here again. Writing always helps me clear my mind, center my priorities. There’s nothing like seeing your life laid out on a piece of paper to make you say, “Wow! I really do have so much to be grateful for”
Here’s to hoping these will help me find something nice to say, because saying nothing at all is not only uncharacteristic of me, but plain, old BORING!
Until next time, keep your chin up. It makes for better selfies.
Time, well it stands still.
But pulses forward all at once.
I can’t tell if I’m the prey,
or the one that’s on the hunt.
And I’m caught right on the edge of
knowing what’s enough.
And the contents of my mind and heart,
Seem so grim, so lost, so rough.
And as I take another step,
I might tumble, I might fall.
But if I don’t I’ll stay right here in this black hole, and not move at all.
Two days ago I was feeling so done. I was rushing to complete my final summatives, trying to find time to start studying, and being overloaded with stories of teenage drama that I was luckily able to stay out of. At that point I wanted nothing more than to be finished with school.
And then yesterday it hit me: this really is in the end.
One minute I was sitting at a table talking to my friends, and the next my head was spinning with a million questions. How will I manage to pass my exams? What if I don’t get a good job? What if I loose all of my friends in my year off?
And then I noticed the concerned looks on my friends faces.
I started to get bombarded by questions, “are you okay? “, “whats wrong?” . I quickly responded “yes” (that was a lie), but then I started to feel okay. But that only lasted about half a second. So naturally, I did what any normal, mature person would do, and I ran.
Actually, I would call it more of a brisk walk. I tried to physically run away from my overwhelming thoughts. By the time I had walked half way around the school I realized that it is physically impossible to outrun your problems.
Thats when I started to distract myself. I started to listen in on grade nines conversations (it’s a past-time of mine). And boy, are kids these days dry. It made me laugh. The try so hard to look and talk and act so cool. And then I got to thinking “Hey! I used to do that!”
I continued to walk around the school for the remainder of my final lunch break of high school, alone. The way I will be walking a majority of my journeys from now on. As I walked I reminsed on the lame, trivial conversations I had in these halls. I remembered the time my friend jumped out of my locker and scared me silly, I remembered the time I used to get threatened with detention if I didn’t stop eating in the history stair well. It seemed that with every wall, corner and fountain I had a memory of a person I tied to it. As I passed classrooms I thought of how much I enjoyed conversations with that teacher, or how they always has funny bonus marks. Memories clung to each surface and it felt like I was the only person aware of this.
This walk began with me panting and sweating and trying not to cry, and ended with me smiling.
I have gained so much from my four years in high school. I have a solid base, I’ve learned from the best people I have ever met, I’ve grow along side some of the most lively people I will ever meet, I am ready for the next step.
As I write this I sit in the place that I have kept myself hidden away during my spare periods for the past two years, the music office. And I wait for my friends to finish their english exam. I can hear my music teachers planning for next year.
Life here will go on without me. So I must move on as well.
I vividly remember when I was told that we would be blogging for this course. I remember excitement flashing through my body. I thought of all of the freedom it would provide, and I GOT MARKS FOR IT! … And then I got the rubric. Okay, so maybe there would not be as much wiggle room as I thought, but I could still tolerate blogging, right?
I thought this blog would be some easy marks and a good place to vent and a fun way to get marks, but it has turned out to be so much more!
It has been a place where I can learn (most people I follow aren’t even in my class), it has been an outlet (as I expected), but it has helped me figure out one of my life’s passions- writing.
I always knew I was creative. Mostly because my teachers would comment about my creativity on my report cards… but I never found a medium which I felt fit me properly. Dancing is for coordinated people. Every piece of visual art I’ve ever created looks like I tried to form it blindfolded using only my feet. And my song writing is mediocre at best. I had tried writing before this course. But the mixture of the reading outside of class, in class guidance and writing exercises, and the open community of my classmates has helped me to grow to love what I doing right this second- blogging!
This blog has helped me to save an era of my life in a secure place. Through my poems, rants, and stories I will remember who I have become and why. This blog has followed me through, auditions, shows, holidays, the loss of my father, job interviews, new friendships, and my leap to the next steps of life.
I doubt that this will be my last post on this blog. But I just wanted to share that this is the last time I HAVE to ever write on this thing. But because of how therapeutic this blog has been for me, I highly doubt it will be the last you read from me on here.
There are many people that have that have influenced my life, My mother, Ronald McDonald and who I want to give the dish on today- Tina Fey.
Tina has shaped the sense of humor of not only me, but my generation. With her scripts written for SNL, her roles in many films, her show 30 Rock and the popular screenplay she wrote and starred in – Mean Girls. But the piece of art that Tina has created that has connected with me most is her book Bossypants.
Bossypants is Feys autobiography that will have you laughing from page one until the end.
I personally have enjoyed this book so much I am on my third time reading it. I love this book obviously because it is hilarious, but also because it delves into many issues such as growing up, body image and balancing life between work and family life, all while maintaining a light and silly mood.
This is a light read that I suggest for anyone with a sense of humor ( which I hope everyone has).
Tina has not only entertained me, but inspired me to continue with what brings me joy in life, just by living her life the witty and brave way she does.
So read it. Like now. Why don’t I see you with the book in your hands right now? Yeah…. pull up amazon and buy it.