Aliens, Lizards and Other Cute Things

  “Childbirth is one of the greatest miracles of life” my mother always told me. She was oh so very correct.  It begins with nine beautiful months where a woman’s body… um, what would the correct word be… expands. The skin stretches leaving behind what I like to call Mother Nature’s “special tattoo” and she has a constant glow. Maybe it’s perspiration or maybe it’s just the constant blushing of her skin because of the embarrassing fluffs as a result of the babies’ gas, or the exhaustion of hauling around an extra 30 pounds- whatever it is, it’s gorgeous!

            Then one day God rings a special bell alerting the Mama-to-be that her special little miracle is ready to meet the world. The signal of this is the most magical feeling- somewhere between stubbing your toe on a wall, forcing a small toothpick to be wedged underneath your dainty little swollen pregnant toenail; and a long drawn out death involving spiders. Then after hours of this hellish pain caused by your body creating a highway within itself, your baby is ready to meet you, at last.

            By this time the women looks absolutely glamorous. She is most-likely covered in the lovely stench of stress-sweat, wearing an expression of complete bliss- as demonstrated by her squinted features drenched in tears, and she is probably singing out a beautiful song of profanity and battle-calls. But none of this glamour can compete with the main event that is about to take center stage.

            Pushing time. The doctor enters the room. It’s time to squeeze this bundle of joy out of its former home and into our loving, peaceful and completely accepting world.  Mother is ready. She howls, pants and screams,as an angelic infant slides out of a pin-sized gap, the same way a football would maneuver through a cheerio. After painfully squeezing through her delicate body, causing irreparable damage the infant makes its debut. The only noise heard in the delivery room is the blood-curdling first yelp of a needy, dependent, bank account parasite.

            After its long painless journey, the infant exits the mother ship, covered in blood and guts.  Even after the rancid gunk has been cleared off of the beautiful infant, it will still look like an alien, or in some cases like a lizard.

            Then the beautiful first moment shared between mother and baby is finally here. They see eye to eye. Mother strokes babies soft, innocent, cone-shaped head. Both mother and baby look like they have survived some strange apocalypse, covered in the dew of strange bodily fluid.

            Many majestic events will occur within the next few days. Baby will have its first, beautiful bowel movement. Mother will become a human drinking fountain. And hopefully, within six to eight days baby will stop looking so much like a potato and start looking like a human.

            Childbirth is one of life’s most amazing and beautiful ceremonies, isn’t it?


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